The definitive list of managerial candidates

A whopping 20 to 25 human beings are included on the short list for the Yankees managerial vacancy. Here at BP Bronx, we’ve scooped Jon Heyman and the rest of the media with the definitive list of candidates the Yankees are definitely considering, and it’s actually only 19 deep:

1. Goose Gossage

Ties to the Yankees? Check. Former player? Check. Analytically minded? …Check?!

We’ve been told, time and time again, that sometimes the real save situation comes as early as the seventh inning. With Gossage at the helm, nobody would ever have to worry about saving a closer for the modern day one-inning save! Clearly, the game hasn’t passed Gossage by:

“I would like to see these guys come into more jams, into tighter situations and finish the game. … In the seventh, eighth or ninth innings. I don’t think they’re utilizing these guys to the maximum efficiency and benefit to your ballclub,” Gossage said.

Hire this man! Those bombastic media tirades are nothing to worry about.

2. Shohei Otani

There’s a new market inefficiency, and I’ve found it. In order to get a leg up on the competition for Otani’s hitting and pitching services, the Yankees can first make him manager. Think about it! There’s no cap on what a team can spend on a manager, but there’s a cap on how much it can spend on an amateur free agent. Steps to do this:

  1. Pay him $100 million or more to be manager
  2. Sign him to an amateur free agent contract
  3. Add to 40-man roster

Voila! Not only have a skirted around the amateur bonus rules, but I’ve also found the Yankees a new skipper! How do I not have a job with the Yankees?

3. Zack Hample

Sometimes it’s best to take a utilitarian approach to the managerial hiring process. What hire will help the most people? The front office should look no further than ballhawking Zack Hample. What’s more beneficial: hiring a competent manager that helps dozens of players, staff, and front office employees; or hiring a manager with absolutely no coaching history that consistently ruins the ballpark experience for thousands of fans at every home game? The latter.

Hiring Hample kills two birds with one stone. Not only do the Yankees fill a managerial vacancy, but they give hope and solace to the thousands of fans who have been bulldozed in the right field seats so Hample can snag his 214,853th ball. Finally, a practical solution that solves two major issues.

4. Mike Francesa

The Yankees had a manager who slept on the job before. And hey, Francesa is looking for a new gig. The Yankees have a gig open. It’s a match made in heaven.

5. George Costanza

Anyone else down for the Summer of George? If Bernie Williams and Derek Jeter took pointers from the Costanza, surely he can be entrusted with young sluggers Aaron Judge and Gary Sanchez.

6. Michael Kay

To succeed in as a big market manager, one must be prepared for media scrums, pointed questions, and intense scrutiny. Some people aren’t cut out for such responsibility. Even Joe Girardi, who held his post for a decade, succumbed to the pressure and snapped. Respect for the media is important. Who better understands that than someone who has worked in the New York media for decades and is a long-time play-by-play announcer for the Yankees? Michael Kay fits the bill.

Now, we all know that all good things must come to an end. Some people handle exits gracefully and some people leave while kicking and screaming. One thing’s for sure: whenever Kay’s time as the Yankees’ manager comes to the end, he WILL NOT symbolically flip off the New York media.

It’s easy to see why the Yankees would be salivating to have Kay as its manager going forward. But, would Kay be willing to say “See ya!” to the broadcast booth?

7. Obnoxious Yankees fan

It’s important that the manager reflects a team’s fanbase, which is why so many loved Joe Torre. He was a New Yorker, born and raised. Thus, we need to find out the identity of the fan below. He embodies this city. Get him an interview.

8. Randy Levine

One of the apparent reasons that the Yankees let Joe Girardi go was because of his struggles to connect with the younger players. Alienating young talent that’s going to sustain the Yankees next few playoff runs is obviously bad, so seeking a manager who can relate to the youth is wise. That’s precisely why current team president Randy Levine should be the next manager of the Bronx Bombers. I can’t recall a time that he’s ever had a negative encounter with a player. This is a perfect fit.

9. Thumbs Down Guy

Players need inspiration from time to time, especially during a long season. There’s plenty of wear and tear, long road trips, slumps, and losing streaks. It’s the manager’s job to keep clubhouse morale high even during these difficult times.

That’s why Gary Dunaier, also known as the Thumbs Down Guy, would have a roster ready to rally behind him. He did it from afar this past summer, why not let him do it from the dugout for years to come? I mean, it came so easy to him. A thumbs down gesture to boost a club? That’s it? The Yankees should look no further during their search for a master of clubhouse chemistry.

10. Stadium Cracker Jack Vendor

I feel like I’ve seen this guy at Yankee Stadium for years. If anyone deserves a promotion, it’s him.

11. Curt Schilling

If the Yankees act fast, they could get their hands on an incredibly qualified candidate in Schilling. They better hurry though, because he has his eyes set on a role with the Phillies under new manager Gabe Kapler. A more prominent position, which the Yankees have to offer, should be able to sway him from his pursuit of Philadelphia, but he’s not going to wait around forever if he can nab a job in the City of Brotherly Love.

Schilling checks all the boxes. He is a former player and has absolutely no baggage; whether it be on social media or in bankruptcy. It’s important to hire a manger who can steer clear of controversy, as the Yankees learned during the tenures of Billy Martin.

12. MGL

This is the perfect blend of humility and brains at the manager post. Put MGL at the helm and make sure that all pitchers are prepared to be like sponges when around him. It won’t be long until the Yankees have a staff full of faces under Lichtman.

13. Jalen Jeter

This kid was born into the Yankee Way. Look at that RE2PECT. The rest of these candidates would merely be adopting, or have previously adopted, the Yankee tradition. Sure, he’s only a toddler, but the Yankees need to be on the cutting edge. Baseball has gone from middle-aged general managers to youthful Ivy Leaguers over the past decade or so. The logical progression must be to keep going younger, right?

14. Wally Backman

I don’t get it either, but that’s exactly why the Yankees should hire Backman. The Steinbrenners are always looking for new revenue streams, and Backman would help the Yankees increase the franchise’s local market share. Swaths of Mets fans whould eschew the orange and blue for the pinstripes.

15. Brian Cashman’s fart machine

Mark Teixeira said that Joe Girardi was too intense. If a looser clubhouse is what the front office is seeking, there’s an internal solution. I’m sure the childish amusement won’t get old during the dog days of August!

16 – 18. Twitter

Take these three for their word.

19. The Moat

This may not be the most practical option, as the Yankee Stadium moat can only manage during the 81 regular home games and any additional home playoff games. That said, instead of the Steinbrenners paying the manager, why not have the manager pay the Steinbrenners? Sound business plan, if you ask me.

Like the players and coaching staff, the moat is blocked off from the rest of the fans in attendance. That counts for managerial experience, right?

Photo Credit: Brad Penner-USA TODAY Sports

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